the end to what was meant to be a good friendship

things going on my mind : THIS IS THE END! I'd just like to express that this should be the end to all my suffering! I've tried, and if this is how YOU'D like it to be, then so be it. I'd just like to remind you that I have been an awesome friend wasting my time, energy, and money on you. All those to waste! If this is your way of saying goodbye, it's not the right way, it may be your way, so I guess I know why you never had good friends since young, whom you still keep in contact with. You must've been the arrogant bastard who never cared to catch up. That is why you never had friends! and needed my company ALL THE TIME! and don't forget about the money I borrowed you when you needed it! also, don't forget about your empty promises to bring me to the HILL, konon! most importantly, DON'T FORGET ABOUT OUR TRIPS! I hope it stabs you in the heart thinking of how happy it was and you were the one who ended it! DON'T forget who you talked to in your times of need and don't forget you promised me something that YOU never kept to, how am I ever gonna trust anyone else now?! After this, I hope you rot in hell for all your doings! I don't wanna curse you, but you deserve it! If you're reading this, I hope you realize what you have done! Honestly, this is not the way to treat someone who treats you as a sincere friend! You honestly deserve to rot in hell! until then, this is jOyCe signing out at 9.27pm, 25th April 2012

over-analyzing

things going on my mind :crappy stuff over-analyzing and not having enough facts is an issue to me now! recent happenings have made my life go downhill for a moment, but things are getting back on track. I've found a way out, hopefully, by the end of this week, I'd be able to truly let go. *fingers crossed*

 until then, this is jOyCe signing out at 9.57am, 24th April 2012

something i dare not post, then

things going on my mind :
SG trip
u and u
and the times we've spent together
the hug
the apologies
YOU!

somehow it's hard to let go,
when something has become a routine,
when something is missing;
it's like your body without any of your organs.

this has to stop,
what she said was right,
it's time to stop getting too close to people like you.

but this is not me, it's not how I work.
How do I stop doing things like this?
Things that'll make me heartbroken,
things that will bring me back to square one in the end?

this had happened 2 times,
if it goes on like this,
i think i'm going to turn a cold heart and stop these things.

if only you could read my mind and understand what's in my mind,
you'd know that you're in my mind most of the time if not everyday.

I'm really surprised after knowing me for so long(okay, maybe not that long),
you don't even know that I understand you,
to the point that I know you wouldn't talk to me like that.

I don't wanna say anything like I did for the last time,
I don't wanna ruin this relationship the way it is,
It is already good the way it is,
i'm not asking for anything more than what we have,
i just hope that things remain the way it is.

in a few months time, i'd be even more devastated.
i know you're leaving,
i can't stop you,
i also cannot make you stay,
it is for your own good,
i just hope that you wouldn't forget me,
and that I know you will be happier,
when you finally find the girl you really love,
who'd care for you when you're sick,
who'd love you for who you are,
who'd do all the things for you the way a wife should,
who'd love you and not hurt you,
who's going to do all the things I'll not be able to do for or with you.

I've never been so wild in my life,
only and only with you.
We did things I've never done,
memories I don't think I'll ever share with someone else.

U gave me a ring, and I returned it,
I don't know how to handle the ring,
it's too much commitment to handle,
too much love from someone I don't love,
too much disappointment to someone I don't love,
too much devastation from someone I love.

I hope in time to come,
my feelings for you will not go deeper,
and that I'd know how to handle things with you.

I've never thought things like this would happen,
heck, I didn't even know I'd even go out with you,
never, ever have I thought,
but I guess it's right,
never say never.

Sometimes I don't know if you're testing me or just plain stupid.
If you were testing me, it's not the way,
if you weren't, then it's just me who reads the wrong signals (hint: iphone case)

I know I'm not your type of girl,
not the type who'd just let you take over,
not dependent, not dramatic,
not like your average blonde, if that's what you were looking for.

I know maybe you just like my company,
or maybe I was just your nearest company you could find.

I was also the one you trusted with your car,
something you've never done with others.
I like the feeling of being trusted by you.

Seeing how far you went through for your best friend,
I wish you could do the same for me,
I wish you would go that far and through all the trouble,
for me. For my birthday this year, but I know it is impossible,
unless I find you there, at where u are at on m birthday this year,
but I don't want to go there, and find that you have a gf,
that would be my worst birthday ever.
However, it would be great if you could just give me a call,
But heck, I've loved a lot of people and I think,
maybe, just maybe, I could be over you by that time,
and that I won't still be loving you, and hoping you'd do all these for me.

These tears that started a long time ago, should stop, it should just stop.
But I know if they don't flow, you wouldn't leave.
And that day, in your car when I cried, I know you noticed, I just wished I didn't felt so heavy hearted on your leaving.
I've cried a few times before, but you didn't realize it.
I should just stop here. Should just stop ALL THESE CRAP!


until then, this is jOyCe signing out at 11.07pm, 27th February 2012

it was that obvious!

things going on my mind :
he knows
it's always like this
hope everything will be alright when I come back from HK


and so the story begins that I like this guy who's already got a gf(they always do) and that I can't forgive myself for the things I did to make it obvious and made everything else fucked up!

it has always been this way, I like someone, get too close and they back off when they notice.
I hate the fact that I did this, that my hands/self did this to myself.

I admit that I do like him, but not to the extend that I want him to break-off with his gf, just that I just want him to treat me as a good friend, one that he can confide to, no that I want a relationship out of it!

I do admit that I made it too obvious and i deserve part of what he's doing, but please don't avoid me.

I'm writing this so that I can forget about it, go to HK and come back fresh, and start back all over again.

These few days haven't been good to me. I need some off time.

Just found out that I won't be getting bonus this year coz' it's only for confirmed staff. and that i'll be sitting in front of Lina's office in the new office. DIE! no more FB-ing! XP

and just found out that he knows since a long time ago, even before I had feelings for him and that I was a too obvious.... that I admit, like I said.

damn, now I can't forgive myself for all these things. I wish I hadn't done it. but in fact, I always wish I hadn't done it.

I'm hoping to leave in a clear state of mind and come back fresh so that I can put things behind me. I will eventually stop smoking somehow. I just need to stop! I'm not addicted but I have the urge to.. I promise I will stop, for I cannot forgive myself for even starting.

btw, I'm going to Hong Kong. for the first time in my life, I'm finally going overseas...

for now, I just wish everything will go back to normal, when I wasn't "the one", when I wasn't treated differently, just back to normal friends...

he's already being a good gentleman by not cutting off ties...

I'm just giving it time to really get outta my mind so that I don't go too deep...

I wish, I wish things would go back to normal! pls pls pls...

Sometimes, when you ask for something too much, they would just gt tired of giving in the end...


until then, this is jOyCe signing out at 11.07pm, 3rd January 2012

A tale of a memorable Christmas

things going on my mind :
streess
work
things that happened
year end~

i did bad things I thought I'd never do.. how am I supposed to forgive myself?

I'm feeling the urge to blog again at this time, padahal I need to be in office at 5am!

first things first, my job. STRESSFUL! but i'm trying to cope, even if I get scolded, I tell meself "You learn! Never Give up!" but then again, tears do drop when you get lecturing over things you didn't do or things you cannot predict or things you don't dare to do or people you don't dare to offend. like how the crew always goes on breaks without the AD's permission. like how my damned talents would cancel on me last minute and I don't have replacements. I'm already feeling bad for have to ask all my friends to help me find talents. *sigh* even that didn't work. I even asked my talents... I feel like such a failure that I couldn't sort things out properly. *sighx100*

And then, my best colleague decided to resign leaving me suffering alone in office. I'm not saying I don't like working there, but things get really bad sometimes and I wonder if this line is me and if this is what I wanna become. But hey, I gotta take things as it comes.

Moving on, Christmas this year took a whole new turn...
I thought I was gonna be resting at home being boring and tired and all,
BUT
-I went partying in the midnite after work at 1am
-kissed a guy TWICE (he's got a gf)
-and clubbed with my bosses

Phew, talk about my nice girl image!
and then, talk about things I never thought I'd do!
Damn!
But it was the best Christmas ever! Thank you, Farid for everything!

My anak-anaks / interns will be leaving soon, I don't know how's life gonna be like without them.
They're like the crazy bunch that you can talk crap to, laugh like nobody's business,
and complain/listen to when there's some issue.

I'm so gonna miss them!
How to deal with the sadness?
First, my colleague, then my interns..
no, the other way around, the interns are leaving first...

For the first time and on christmas eve, I cried over being lectured,
it sucks because I have so much on my plate that I could barely catch a breath or take a rest,
honestly, I'm working even on christmas, luckily I'm not a christian, if not, I have no idea how to deal with going to church and all. but then again, I always put an upfront "I don't need a holiday" sort of attitude when it comes to working in front of my bosses, but deep down, I do want a rest. Which is why, I've got my passport done, and tickets booked to Hong Kong next year after I finish my project. I haven't had weekends in a long time... and this I think I deserve. I'm just waiting for one of my bosses to say yes to my leave application. Wish me luck!


until then, this is jOyCe signing out at 11.17pm, 25th December 2011(should be my last post for year 2011) I hope it ends well... :)

Old Memories and New Life

things going on my mind :

my friendster memories, all GONE. I hate u friendster.

all my blog posts on friendster has vanished since it revamped itself as a gaming portal.
F.M.L!
a lot of memories there u know, especially the good ones... *cries*

what's new:
I've officially joined Red Comm as a Production Coordinator, not too high salary, but will climb from there. Super-ecstatic as it's the company I've dreamed of joining... I like the company even though most of their productions are Malay. I don't know, I just like it. Was great that I interned there and started there. Basically living a working life, work-sleep-drink-work-sleep-drink-work-sleep-drink-work-ENJOY!(gotta enjoy once in a while)

Still single and living life awesome!

Old flames reunite, but ada udang di sebalik batu, but I'll take it as a good chance to finally talk again.

Was over-joyed that I helped a friend get his 1st job after graduation.

Oh, did I mention? I've successfully passed my exams and now awaiting graduation! WOOHOO! At least the money was well spent... X) teehee...

Lazed around for about 3 month before applying for a job at Red Comm, even that was coz' someone asked me to send my resume in... if not, my buttocks would still be on this chair(home) every afternoon... Itu pun coz' waiting for Forensics for the first 2 months... No word from them yet...

Later today, pakai baju kurung for the first time in _ years...
Pinjam from Red, and I so abso-love my choice, soft satin-ish cloth and cooling, plus, it's the first one I've tried and suits me almost perfectly... Farid's Idea... must thank him for giving me the occasion... Party Raya at Red besar-besaran! went for shopping for the drinks and stuff, came up to rm456.++... got alcohol, that's why...

Feels like i'm always speaking with a mixture of malay... the influence? no... tak tau...

until then, this is jOyCe signing out at 1.57am, 19th August 2011

last straw

things going on my mind :
have to finish report
finish assignments
end of student life

最近， 很不愉快。。。
真的真的很不愉快
为何三年的感情会来到这个地步?

it's not worth getting sad over such puny matters but I hate this, i don't like this...
I did not do anything wrong, and surely, I shouldn't be the one getting all these...
I don't deserve being treated like this, I'm not someone you can just shun away when you like...

I need someone's console, and I need someone who understands everything that's going on, to be here for me, to wipe my tears, to tell me it's ok, to hug me, to make me stop thinking of everything that's going wrong...

It's the last, final few days of the semester, or should I say my 3-years of degree life, an undergrad, a senior, a student... I think I'm gonna feel emo on Wednesday.. :(

until then, this is jOyCe signing out at 9.27pm , 19 April 2011 (flips back to her due-tomorrow report)

where'd all the good guys go?

things going on my mind :
why?
wanna sleep
later studio training

as the title suggests, my mind is asking why are most good guys taken and/or homo?

Things aren't going well these days and I really want someone to hug and to cry on, everynight, LITERALLY! and please, I want to hug a guy, girls, don't have the same effect.. I know I sound desperate, but I really really crave for that special someone's hug.
Nowadays, all the 'guy' hug i'm getting from is either my dad, or my bro, or my self-proclaimed 'zi-mui' friend, Eugene, which has not much effect.

I don't know why, I don't feel like I have feelings for you, but knowing you've become such a person, I was really heartbroken... I dunno why... but I will wish you the best, coz I've learnt; 'what's meant to be yours will eventually find its way to you, what's not, will never be' and 'to let the person you love be happy with whatever choice they make'...
If you can sense my tad-bit of caring-ness to you, I'm sorry, coz' I dunno how to keep it inside and it is my second nature, but if you couldn't, it's fine, coz' I don't wanna burden you with my feelings for u...

All I want to know is, you still treat me as a friend, may not be a close one, but someone you could console to if you ever find the need to... at the end of the day, it is what I really want...

Tell me his name
I want to know
The way he looks
And where you go
I need to see his face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end

Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes

I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end

I let you go
I let you fly
Now that I know I’m asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow


until then, this is jOyCe signing out at 1.07pm, 25th March 2011

I don't know what to say

things going on my mind :
what should I do?

if I could sum up my last three years, there are some particular times I would like to forget, if not, I'd rather not remember anything at all.

It's like an event that HAS to happen EVERY year since my 1st year in degree.
what? isit like a trend or something? Must there be such a big change in my life? or is my last three years just a lie?
have I done nothing that you could remember? have I done something so wrong that it is unforgivable?
I've had it with the attitude!
If you're not happy, pls voice it out. don't keep it inside and explode later. I'm not built for such explosions and I need to explode too.

No one listens huh? Has anyone ever paid any attention whatsoever to what I said?!
Isn't it enough of dictating already?
U don't want to lead, so let others and let them do their job. We know what we are doing.
U make me feel like the last three years meant nothing to u, our friendship meant nothing to u.
It may be something going on at your home that stresses you that I don't know of, but we all have our own issues, my house nearly burned down with my dad and is that not an issue big enough?

You just say "I'm not going to waste my time since you all are not listening to me." Does everyone get heard out? Sometimes we have to pay attention and listen to what others has to say and consider. It's not like we didn't listen, but due to some circumstances, we did what we did. Given a chance to turn back time, I would still have done the same, I can't say for others.
In a way, someone should've re-charged the battery. In a way, someone should've remembered to turn off the device. In a way, someone could've done something to have prevented what has happened. Sometimes, you just have to bear with it, even when you don't like it. Just cause u did it before, doesn't mean we have to follow your way.

If there's any good memory left, I'd like u to remember and keep it. Don't let what happened influence it and make it collateral damage, after all, it was just a small matter.

I've had enough of pleasing others, from now on, it's all just gonna be about me, and how I live my life. End of story.

until then, this is jOyCe signing out at 11.37pm, 27th February 2010

of my last 4 months(or what I could remember of it)

Dear Blog,

Sorry for the long hiatus, been really busy... Have you missed me?

Ended my internship with only 1 week of holidays left. I like working in Red, which explains why I extended my internship and I will go back when I graduate. Motive of extension was partly to earn some bucks to fill boring holidays... as a result my pay in the end was RM2200 accumulated. However, this was down to two spaces after less than a month. cues *Hey big spender song*

I worked on Disney's Waktu Rehat which was really fun! I really enjoyed the experience.
I was caked on my last day by the 1 person I've never and wanted to work with, Bernard Chauly X)
I did subtitling and editing for the last 3 months of my intern
My work with the help of my Director, Shamyl Othman and Producer, Mona Tan; which is Vox Pop/Year End Episode, is also given great feedback by the clients, Disney.

"The first draft is really quite good, whoever the editor is, pls keep him/her for future use"

I was super-elated.

Nonetheless I've learnt super lot of things, plus, am quite familiar with FCP now.
Since I've done editing, I am starting to wonder if my ambition is really a Producer. Looking at the things Mona handles, I have to admit, was rather terrifying; phone calls, clients, e-mail, comments, audio post, delivery, video conference, calls, paper work, calls, cast, budget, calls, crew, calls.

In the midst, I was also able to help in other productions like drama(8 Bulan), Kid's game show(Jom Main 2), and do a TVC(Fernleaf). I only didn't do live show like my counterpart, Cine. It was rather great having her in the same company. At least I have someone to accompany me or gossip to... opps...

Oh, have I mentioned that there are pets in the office? One being a veteran, Socks, and the missing one, Prince and the newbie turned fatty, Patches. All being cats adds up to the level of happiness working there higher.

Also gotten many freebies from the girls(Carmen and Chi Yee) who've worked in label companies, Universal and Sony Music respectively one of which I treasure most is the LeeHom's "Home Love" key Chi Yee got me from his Eighteen Types of Martial Arts (十八般武藝 - Shi Ba Ban Wu Yi) album.

And then there was classes. This time being short semester, syllabus and assignments are packed like sardines. Timetable is
Mon 9-7
Tue 8-6
Wed Off
Thu 8-1
Fri 9.30-2

I know, I've got the Wed off right? what's so bad about that? The fact that I've never rested on a Wednesday due to assignments, press conferences and what nots.

Though talking about Wednesdays, for the past 2 Wednesdays, I've been spending dinner with my girls from Foundation, the JEWS!
The first was a total reunion after countless times we've failed to gather 4 girls, this time, with an additional member, Rick! X)
Was really a night for girls/gossips/great company.
The following Wed, there was only JWS, Evenlyn's back at hometown helping mum.
Both nights were filled with tons of photos.
The 1st Wed with photos of all 4 of us and Rick being the photographer.
The latter was with photos from Xin and my cam(rented from Rick!)
I then find I somewhat have an interest with photography and do find my forte and likes.

It's already the end of Week 4, Week 5 is packed and another semester will arrive in 2 months time, my last semester as an undergraduate! I will miss it, and I wish for it to be slower so badly. As you might have known, I've got Final Year Project(FYP) to do before I grad, as always, group dividing is the hardest to do for my team and I've no idea why. Coz we're the 'outstanding' group, can I say? But the group dividing for documentary is done and I can't say I'm satisfied with it, but I'll have to accept it. And group dividing for Multi-camera Production(MCP) has begun(or has it already ended?). However, dividing this time will be a lot worse... I am standing on the side-lines, I don't wanna become the foundation, I just wanna follow this time. The format this time, instead of choosing freely, it is determined that we have to do a live drama, like sitcoms. I have an advantage coz' I've worked worked for sitcoms, but not live though. But it's at least a good start, instead of being 'chicken hands duck feet' and not knowing anything.

We have Broadcast Journalism subject this sem, so we are to gather about 12 real news to report in our TV news and Online news.
We went for Oktoberfest(my first) and Cine was a bit on the drunk side, Carmen a bit dizzy and a whole lot of fun, good food, awesome pole dancing and cheap beer! At the end of our stint, a black guy even requested for a photo with me, talking about taking the opportunity.
Then, we had exclusive coverage of Y2J's time here. We went for press con, and showcase and even got exclusive footages and photos and photo op. My first with Taiwanese artists(nothing beats Chi Yee's experience with Leehom). They were really good people but working in this industry, I felt normal looking at them, no extra hype... but that happens to all artist I meet I guess, until I meet someone I really wanna meet I guess. And then having Vetha who's worked in Bernama, gave us news sources and welcomed us to go together for news reporting. Really impress with Vetha's courage to do stand up and asking around for interviews.

My 21st birthday will arrive in a month's time. No idea what to do. Evenlyn asked me this evening if I wanna do it at a Karaoke box with around 20+ peeps, I was astounded just to think of that many people coming together. My problem is I feel that this group of friends will feel uncomfortable being around the other group of friends, vice versa and it goes on, I kind of have 3 groups of friends from different times of my life. But she suggested I invite the UTAR ones and since they probably know each other and all... she says she's gonna check the price 1st. I was thinking of buying a bottle of Moet, but that costs around 2-3hundred+... I just don't feel like thinking about my 21st coz' I don't feel like embracing my age, and I don't know what to do for my 21st. I wish someone could just throw me a surprise party and that's it.

So, Blog, what do you think I should do?

Yours,
Joyce
12.17am
13 November 2010